Pornography is one of those topics that, as a parent, makes us want to plug our ears, cover our eyes, and slowly back into the nearest closet, emerging only after our children head off to college. But porn is out there, and it’s important for us to talk about it.
Here’s the good news: parent communication about porn can make a difference for teens and limit negative effects.
Here’s the bad news: Not enough parents are actually talking to their teens about porn. In one study, nearly 60% of teens reported having viewed porn in the past year, but only 17% reported having talked to their parents about porn.
We get it. These can be really tough, uncomfortable conversations, and parents get virtually zero guidance on whether and how to have them. Plus, as parents in the digital age, online porn is a new thing we have to deal with (add it to the list!). So, we don’t have our own parents as models in having these conversations about out-of-bounds google searches.
If you are dreading this conversation or have no idea where to start, you are not alone. But we’re here to help with the basic talking points, so you can check the box on starting this essential conversation.
Parents consistently underestimate kids’ exposure to porn
Porn, i.e., pornography, refers to videos (or photos) of sexual behavior that can be accessed freely online.
Most popular porn sites display a pop-up asking users to verify (i.e., click “yes”) that they are at least 18 years of age before entering the site. This is because in many countries, including the U.S., it is illegal to show porn to someone under the age of 18. These types of pop-ups are, of course, easy to bypass–and as a result, viewing porn is relatively common.
Important: studies nearly universally show that parents underestimate whether their kids have been exposed to porn. In a recent study from the U.K., for example, only 25% of parents thought their teens had seen porn, when 63% actually had. So, you may be thinking that you don’t need to have a porn conversation because there’s just no chance your child has been exposed to porn. But it’s possible they’ve encountered porn at a friend’s house, through a mistyped Google search, or in a spam email or text.
Why is watching porn such a big deal?
For younger children and tweens—those under age 12 or so—it seems clear, from both a research and common sense perspective, that exposure to porn can be distressing and harmful.
For teens, this question is a bit more complicated. We don’t have conclusive research on the topic—likely, in part, because this is not an easy thing to study—and the extent of harms caused by teens’ viewing pornography may be somewhat overstated in the alarmist headlines that pop up when you Google “effects of porn on teens.”
But there is evidence that adolescents’ viewing pornography can be harmful.
Among other things, it’s associated with more sexual objectification of partners and more sexual agression. A lot of Internet porn shows murky portrayals of consent, and there’s some concern that it can have a negative impact on sexual interests and desires.
The images can also stay with teens. Grammy-winning artist Billie Eilish famously said about porn: “I think it really destroyed my brain and I feel incredibly devastated that I was exposed to so much porn.” Billie reported that she had nightmares after watching violent and abusive pornography, giving voice to many parents’ fears. And she said publicly that she started watching porn at age 11. Gulp.
The current research suggests that porn isn’t addictive in the same way as drugs, but a small number of teens start to may use it compulsively–that is, some teens can have trouble stopping using it when they want to.
For all these reasons, we think it’s important to take it seriously and to talk about it directly. We can certainly be “sex-positive”—recognizing that teens’ sexual exploration is a natural and healthy part of their development—while also recognizing potential problems with mainstream porn.
TL/DR: Primary concerns about porn include that it can create unrealistic ideas about sex; send confusing messages about consent; encourage degradation of women, racial minorities, and other groups; and depict unhealthy (or total lack of) communication and safe sexual practices. Some teens also have a hard time breaking the habit after they start consuming large quantities of porn.
Can’t I just set parental controls?
For younger children, tweens, and young teens, parental controls are necessary but not sufficient. It’s a good idea to set parental controls on any devices or browsers they use to avoid exposure.
Still, we can’t set parental controls and assume our job is done - we still need to have direct conversations. For one, friends may show kids porn on devices that aren’t on your home network, or that don’t have the content settings you’ve selected. But it’s also the case that parental controls can be imperfect. They don’t filter out every piece of content you might object to, and they can be bypassed by tech-savvy kids.
As teens get older, it gets more complicated. Lots of teens, especially older teens, are exposed to porn one way or another, and parental controls won’t work forever. The most effective thing we can do as parents is talk to our kids about porn, helping them to develop a kind of protective “porn literacy,” so that if and when they are exposed, we can mitigate potential harms.
In short: parental controls are a good idea, but they’re not a replacement for talking about porn.
What age do I need to start having these conversations?
The timing of conversations about porn will depend somewhat on your child’s level of maturity and independent access to devices like a phone or iPad. In general, the average age of first exposure to porn may be as early as 11 or 12, so around this time (or slightly before) is often a good time to start having these conversations in earnest.
Yes, this feels way too early, and yet, we want kids to be equipped before a mistyped Google search leads them astray. (Somewhere between 40-65% of teens are unintentionally exposed to porn online!)
Ideally, the porn conversation is just one of many open, honest, age-appropriate, and non-judgmental conversations about bodies and sex that we’re having with kids from the time they are young.
But this is much easier said than done, and this will look very different for every family. If you haven’t been having these conversations, do not panic! You’re certainly not alone, and it’s never too late to start.
With this in mind, our guidance below is intended for tweens and early teens, in roughly the 10 to 14-year-old age range.
The Porn Talk: Your #1 Goal
Every family is different, and your family values around sex and sexuality will naturally shape the messages you share with kids about pornography.
Overall, though, the most important goal for your first talk about porn is this: to set the stage for more conversations in the future. (We know, we know! You don’t want to have this conversation once, let alone multiple times. But think of it this way: if this isn’t the only talk, you can worry less about getting every word exactly right.)
So: focus less on getting every word right, and focus more on how your kid feels about the conversation.
Here’s how we want them to feel: supported in knowing that it’s totally normal for them to be curious about sex, and clear that we’re always available to answer questions or talk. We want them to know they can come to us if something goes wrong and they see something they know they shouldn’t have seen.
Here’s how we do not want them to feel: shamed, judged, or accused. These emotions will make it more likely that they try to hide what they’ve already seen, if anything, and to avoid further conversations with us.
Okay, so what do I actually say?
First, pick a moment when you’re alone. Going for a walk or driving in the car can be good options: they’re time-limited and involve minimal eye contact, which can make both parties (slightly) more comfortable.
In terms of what to cover, remember the acronym: SEX-ED
S - Set the scene
E - Encourage further conversation
X - eXpress your values
E - Educate
D - Direct to trusted resources
Final reminder before we get into specific talking points: SEX-ED and the specific conversation starters below won’t make sense for every family. You might cover some of them, or all of them, depending on your child’s age and maturity. You know your child, and what will (and will not) work for them, best.
Set the Scene
- Introduce the conversation in a way that avoids putting them on the defensive. You can do this by clarifying that you want to talk about something, and it has nothing to do with something your child has done or said.
Hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something now that you [have your own phone / are spending more time online / are using the iPad / are getting older]. I want to talk to you about porn it’s an important topic to know about when you’re spending time online.
[Alternatively, you can blame us: I was reading this article today about the effects of porn on people’s relationships and health. Is that something you’ve heard anything about?]
- Acknowledge that it can feel awkward or embarrassing to talk about sex and porn, and that this is normal.
I know this can feel weird/embarrassing/awkward to talk about this at first–I feel awkward too. But just because we feel a little weird about it, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be talking about it. In fact, I think it’s important for people to talk about topics like sex and porn.
- Start by asking questions to gently open up the conversation and get a sense of what your child already knows. One useful strategy is to ask about people their age, rather than them, personally. This makes it less threatening. You can pretend you are old and out-of-touch [obviously, just pretending], and need them to explain things to you. Some ideas:
Do you ever hear people talking about porn? What do other people say about it? What have you heard or seen about porn? What do you think about what you’ve heard or seen? How do you think porn affects people your age? There are no right answers here, and it’s okay to be honest.
- Offer a basic definition if they don’t know what it is, or seem to have some misconceptions about what it is.
Porn is short for pornography. It’s pictures or videos of sexual behavior that are made for adults.
Encourage Further Conversation
- Remember, you want to avoid inducing shame because your goal is to increase the likelihood that they come to you with questions or concerns in the future. So, you want to convey that there’s nothing shameful about sex, and it’s normal to be curious about it as they get older.
It’s totally normal to be curious about bodies and sex.
- Remind them that you’re always a resource.
I know it can be uncomfortable, but I want you to know that you can always come to me with questions, concerns, or if you just want to talk.
eXpress Values
- Express your values. This will be something you want to think through before having this conversation, and will, of course, depend on your personal beliefs. You might explicitly say I don’t ever want you watching porn, or you might choose not to take a somewhat less definitive a stance. Here are some additional ideas to get you started:
Healthy sexual relationships are based on trust, mutual respect, communication, and consent. Sex should always be fun and feel good for both people, and it should always feel comfortable and safe. Most healthy sexual relationships involve emotional and physical intimacy. You don’t usually see these types of things in porn, and in fact what you see is often fake and confusing.
Educate
- Make it clear that porn is not a good way to learn about sex. It is acting, and it’s not intended to be educational.
Porn is made for adults. It’s not supposed to be educational. The people in porn are actors who are getting paid. You might think porn is a good way to learn about sex, but porn really doesn’t show sex, bodies, or relationships in realistic ways. It’s actually a really bad way to learn about sex.
You might even use sex educator Shafia Zaloom’s metaphor, which she shares in this New York Times article: “I tell my students, ‘Sometimes people look at porn because they want to learn about sex, but that’s like watching The Fast and the Furious to learn how to drive.’”
- Say that porn is not realistic, and does not reflect most people’s sexual experiences.
I think it’s important for you to know that porn is not realistic. It’s not an accurate depiction of the types of sex and relationships that most adults are having or want to have. Performers’ bodies are also often altered, and scenes are edited, to achieve a certain look.
- Share concerns about the types of free porn that are typically available on popular websites. In addition to being unrealistic, the sex depicted may send confusing messages about consent; is often degrading to women, racial minorities, and other groups; and in some cases, may even be violent or abusive. It typically does not depict healthy communication or safe sexual practices.
I have some concerns about porn that I want to let you know about. A lot of times, the porn that’s available online can be degrading to women and to people of certain races or ethnicities. It doesn’t usually show people talking about consent, communicating in healthy ways, or using condoms or other protection. Sometimes, porn can even be violent. Once you see these images, it might be hard to get them out of your head. I really don’t want this to be the way you learn about sex.
- Ask whether your child has questions. This is a good way to keep the conversation open and to check for understanding
What do you think? What questions do you have for me?
Direct to other resources (including yourself!)
- Provide trusted resources—books, websites, podcasts—for your child to learn about sex, and remind them that you’re always a resource, too. Here are two good lists.
We talked about how porn isn’t educational, and that it’s totally normal to want more information about bodies and sex. I got you these books, and will send you some links to websites with accurate information so that you can get your questions answered. And you can always come to me with questions, too.
This all sounds great in theory. But what do I do if…
…my kid is younger?
For kids under age 10 or so, you might keep it more general, with the goal of simply conveying that if they ever come across porn, they won’t be in trouble, and you want them to come to you to tell you. So, you might say:
Now that you’re [using the iPad more/watching videos on YouTube] I want to let you know that there are some things on the Internet that are for adults, not for kids. For example, you may come across videos or pictures of adults who are naked. There’s nothing wrong with naked bodies, but the internet has some stuff that isn't meant for you and isn’t a good way to learn about bodies or sex. If you ever see something like this, I want you to come to me and tell me so that we can talk about it. You won’t be in trouble.
…my kid is older?
For older teens—those in roughly the 15 to 17 year old range—you might want to have more in-depth conversations about the depictions of sexuality in porn or the porn industry. Or maybe you consider separately reading articles like this NYTimes one, or part one of this Techno Sapiens series, and then discussing.
As in most parent-teen conversations, aim is to do more listening than talking, and more asking questions than lecturing, to get your teen thinking critically about these issues.
…I’ve never had this conversation with my 12-year-old, and now I just found out her friend showed her something inappropriate?
This is a good opportunity to start talking. You’ll want to be especially careful when raising the conversation that you avoid blame, judgment, or accusations. Instead, try something that will encourage future conversation, like:
Thank you so much for telling me. I’m so glad we’re having the chance to talk about this.
Or, If you found out from someone else, consider approaching the conversation like this:
Hey. I want to start by saying that you’re not in trouble, but I want to talk to you about something I think you saw [online/at friend’s house.])
Then, if it seems appropriate, follow some of the talking points above.
…I’ve never talked to my 10-year-old about porn, and I just found out he searched for “boobs” on his iPad?
Try to avoid panicking. (If only it were that easy, I know). But this comes up more frequently than many parents would expect.
Similar to the above situation, start with something non-accusatory. Reassure them they are not in trouble. Normalize their curiosity. Ask questions.
You might start with something like: Hey, I noticed in your search history that you may have come across some adult websites. You’re not in trouble, and it’s totally normal to be curious about sex. But I want to talk to you about what you might have seen online.
Then, if it seems appropriate, follow some of the talking points above.
…I tried to talk to my 13-year-old about porn, but they got so embarrassed they didn’t say anything?
This is very common, and nothing to worry about. The first thing to know is that kids internalize way more of what you say than it often feels like in the moment. You don’t have to force them to talk about it, but you might try bringing it up gently once or twice more.
Next time, you may want to try bringing up the conversation when time is limited—like when you’re in the car, a few minutes away from home—so they know the conversation will be short. Or, you can try bringing it up, and promising them at the outset that you’ll only talk about it for two minutes, and then you’ll be done.
Either way, you can reassure them that it’s okay and normal to feel uncomfortable, and that you’re always there and open to discussing when they’re ready.
You’ve got this – and we’re here to help
Parenting in the digital age brings a whole new set of challenges, and dealing with kids’ access to porn is certainly one of them. But we’re here with you every step of the way.
